PreHistoric
by Danibat
Summary: Total Crack fic. The crew finds themselves suddenly part dinosaur. Some big hints of Kirk/McCoy, and hints of Scotty/Chekov, with a bit of Spock/Kirk thrown in as well.


Warnings: Crack fiction! TOTAL CRACK and of course some OOC-ness due to the crack! 

A/N: Written for a prompt on **st_xi_kink. **Forgive me I'm terrible at Scottish accents. And my Chekov isn't any better. [Translations for Scotty are in these brackets. (you'll see)]

Disclaimer: I don't own them or Star Trek. I just like to see them all bendy. I promise to return them.

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><p>It was turning out to be a very strange day. They had just successfully completed negotiations with the Plethorans and participated in their rebirth festival and feast. The crew was relaxed from one of their least confrontational missions, and the senior staff had just sat down at their stations.<p>

Jim remembered that his stomach had rumbled ominously, and he briefly wondered if something from the feast was about to disagree with him, and then everything went black.

* * *

><p>Sensation and awareness came back slowly, and Jim was aware that he felt very strange. It was like all of his body had changed proportion and didn't quite know what to do with itself. His head felt…larger? And it felt like something was weighing down his back. Biting back a groan he pushed himself up. His head was definitely heavier, like it had gained 3 times its normal weight. Crouching in a hunched position, he opened his eyes to see his chair. Grasping the seat he steadied himself and began to survey the damage. The bridge was filled with the gasps and groans of the other occupants. Lifting his head took more effort than he would ever admit to, and he immediately locked his eyes on the science and communications stations. Then he blinked, and blinked again. Slowly he reached out to tap the comm. button on his chair.<p>

"Kirk to Bones… my head feels…funny…and…I might be…seeing things."

He HAD to be seeing things, because his first officer had short clawed…taloned?...forearms protruding from his chest, and Lieutentant Uhura…at least what he assumed was Uhura, seemed to have wings…and a beak? They had been assessing themselves and had looked up when he spoke. Spock quirked an almost startled eyebrow as he caught sight of the Captain. Uhura squawked and seemed to ruffle. Oh god he was in so much trouble.

There was no reply from sickbay.

Spock's eyebrows took on a contemplative quirk in their still raised position, and his stubby arms gave a little wiggle like maybe he had tried to twist them behind him for his usual stance.

"Captain" he gave a hesitant pause "it appears the crew has been altered from our physical parameters."

"So it's not just me then? In my head, that is."

Spock's eyebrows appeared to scowl now. "No."

* * *

><p>Jim was tempted to nod, but was afraid he would fall over. Instead, he turned to look at Sulu and Chekov. Pavel had his lips pursed and looked baffled, and from what skin, and bulges Jim could see, he was covered head to toe in plate armor. His gaze was swinging from the Captain to Sulu.<p>

Sulu looked like someone had shaved his head, but upon further inspection was found to have what was almost a bowl made of armor with jutting smaller plates, like rivets, over the majority of his skull cap, and his feet looked like he had traded with an elephant.

Jim stood up fully, making sure to maintain his balance. "Spock you have stubby clawed arms."

"Indeed. The Captain himself has a plated protuberance from his neck, and horns proceeding from his temples."

"What?" he squawked, hands flying up for confirmation. He teetered off balance for a moment, which caused his back end to brush his chair, steadying him. The only problem being that Jim was presently standing about 2 feet away from his chair. His eyes widened, and he felt a sinking feeling in his gut. He looked down and backwards. "I have a dinosaur's butt!" He (most certainly did not) shrill.

Uhura gave a caw that could only have been a snort under normal circumstances.

Before he had time to truly freak out, the turbo lift doors swished open and one very frazzled Dr. McCoy waddled in. That's right. Waddled.

"What in sam blazes is going on! What happened here?"

Bones had a dinosaur butt of his own. Only his was much longer, which made Kirk pout, and it had four spikes at the end. Was it wrong that Kirk thought the doctor looked hot waddling towards him with his tricorder? Before he had a chance to truly contemplate that, the lift opened again to reveal Scotty, and Jim took an instinctive step backwards.

"Jesus hopscotch!" Bones exclaimed leaping away, tail swishing in agitation.

"Aye doessth anaw baugh-ha naugh Waugh thah…arrhh, buggah arl!" Apparently a scottish accent with Sabertooth-tiger teeth made Scotty completely incomprehensible. _[Aye does anaebody know what the…argh! Bugger all!]_

"Was?" Chekov rightfully asked, looking both frightened and a bit turned on.

"Fascinating" Spock said, his arms giving a little jiggle.

Uhura trilled her agreement, making Kirk wonder how he was able to understand her.

More than a bit disturbed, Kirk was now touching his horns. Stroking them from base to tip. It was somehow soothing and seemed to be helping him think, or not freak out. Bones took a step closer, his eyes glued to the up and down motion of Jim's hands. Jim felt a flush spread up his body, and he increased the stroking, giving the tips a little twist with his wrist. He felt his breath catch as he saw Bones' pupils dilate.

Sulu cleared his throat to break the moment. However he cleared it too pointedly and ended up hacking so hard he had to bend forward to clear his airway and breathe. His head made a clacking thump as it bumped the console in his gasps.

"Oi! Thunna fee reheak-en le consouws!" Scotty growled, really growled. Though it seemed part in frustration for what he couldn't say, and part of…whatever he said. _[Oi! Dunnae be break'in the console!]  
><em>

Chekov made a little whine in his throat, and his pupils dilated as well. 'Interesting' Kirk thought, raising his mental eyebrows. He avoided glaring at Sulu for the interruption, but it was a close thing.

Well, he supposed he should do something, say something, he was the one who got to sit in the Captain's chair…even if he couldn't at the moment. He clapped his hands together. "So…ideas?"

No one said anything for a beat.

"Klingons?" Kirk suggested trying for any explanation.

"I fail to see how us procuring reptilian appendages would benefit the Klingons, Captain." Spock interjected.

"Spoilsport" Kirk muttered under his breath.

"Did anyone notice how our clothes didn't rip when we were unconscious? By all rights we should be practically naked. It's not like Starfleet uniforms are meant to accommodate wings, tails, chest arms, and plate armor." Sulu added

"Shhh!" Hissed Kirk "Don't mention the plot holes! Don't you know they attack?"

Pavel looked around nervously.

"Bone's do you have anything that could help?"

"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor not a paleontologist! People don't just go around sprouting pre-historic appendages!" he growled brandishing his tricorder like it was his index finger.

"Varghl ouve gagdh grt gry dumthis!" Garbled Scotty _[Well we've got to try something!]_

They all shuffled uncomfortably.

Scotty let out an indignant puff which washed over Chekov, who was standing next to him. Pavel in turn shivered and leaned towards the over incisored engineer.

Straightening up, Pavel said "Well, we've got to try something!"

Scotty growled again. "Ats ouvt ahr sawid!" and thumped his chest, and this time Pavel whimpered.

Bone's reached out and clasped Monty on the arm "I'm sorry man, but I just can't understand a word!"

Everyone nodded.

"Anyway," Bones continued "Pavel's got a point. Let's all head down to sickbay, and I'll run some tests."

Uhura leaped in the air and glided over.

"Show off!" Kirk yelled at her.

"Eeeerragh!" She replied, which he knew meant "Bite me sir!" Seriously that was too weird.

* * *

><p>Somehow they all squished into the turbolift and then into sickbay. After various invasive pokes and prods, which Bones took way too much pleasure in, they all huddled around a console to see the results.<p>

"Strangely enough we all show increased amounts of this elevated compound. The results are strong enough for me to decisively say that we were all exposed to it within the last 24 hours." Bones surmised.

"Well isn't there anything you can give us to try and cure it?" Jim whined.

The CMO rolled his eyes. "We're not _diseased_ Jim. Just altered physically, it's not exactly something I can use a hypo to fix."

"While I recognize the validity of your statement Doctor, I find myself inclined to favor the Captain's argument. Is there not a compound you can devise to try and decrease the elevated substance you have found?"

Spock had walked up to the console and was attempting to search for something to substantiate his argument but found that his new arms were too short to allow him to touch the pads correctly. If he tried, he would have to smush his face against the viewer. Also his fingers…err claws, were not being sensed by the touch pad surface. He was forced to step back. He waved his arm in an 'after you' gesture to the doctor, pretending not to be phased at all.

Kirk was not going to giggle damnit. He didn't know if stubby clawed arms could be wrapped around his neck but he wasn't inclined to find out (seriously would they just puncture him? Ouch!). Also giggling was un-Captainly.

"Alright don't get your panties in a twist Spock. Let's see here." He scrolled through the data and paused on one screen. "This might do something. I'll have to mix it first. Hold on a sec."

Bone's stepped away from the console and crossed sickbay to open a cabinet. His tail swished behind him. Jim followed, ever curious. Bending down the doctor retrieved several vials and placed them on a tray next to him, which allowed Jim to focus on his impressive…tail. Ahem.

He really shouldn't be wondering how those scales would feel against his tongue. Standing up again, the CMO did…something…What? He was a Captain, not a med student!...and mixed the vials. Swinging quickly around to face the others, the spikes on Bone's tail clipped Jim soundly in the ankle.

"Ow! Flarghl!" Jim yelped hopping away to lean against a nearby bed.

Bones quirked an eyebrow. Damn that was sexy. "Did you just say flarghl?"

"No! Your face! What?"

"You did." Bones replied. Jim could hear the others snickering.

"Bones you stabbed me! I'm _bleeding_."

And then Bones got an excited look in his eyes. Recognizing that look, Jim quickly tried to back track.

"Oh crap, never mind. I'm not bleeding. It's a kool-aid mishap…marker fight? Not the hypos!"

Jim did a pretty good imitation of a turtle trying to duck back in its shell as he tried to hide his neck from his CMO. But swift as a viper strike, Jim felt and heard the hiss of the hypo as Bones had him sitting on the bed.

"Owie!" Jim said, flailing and trying to keep his leg and neck away.

"Craw-caw!" Uhura muttered.

"You're the big baby!" Kirk sassed back, wondering how one mutters craw-caw.

He felt Bones fumble at his ankle and whined "But its fine!" and then he saw Bones take out a flat rectangular slip and rip it across the top. He then proceeded to split it in half and slap it on Jim's wound.

"What was that?" Jim asked

"A bandaid" Bones replied primly.

"A bandaid? But that's positively medieval! Don't you have a cast or something?"

"It's bleeding, not broken, asshole. Now get off my table." Bones quipped, yanking Jim down by the ankles. He swiped up the new hypospray concoction and jabbed Jim in the neck with it, and then swatted him on the ass. Jim felt his mouth water and didn't know whether to be aroused or report him for abuse.

Suddenly Jim felt his head tingle with pins and needles and get lighter.

"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit. It's working!" The doctor cried.

Jim really couldn't help the glazed look that crossed his features. What? He liked biscuits. Yeah...that's it.

He brought his hands up to his horns and felt them shrinking against his fingertips. Then the tingling sensation changed. Suddenly Jim felt like his head had caught on fire.

"Fire burning like the sun!" He hissed through his pain, crouching over and almost impaling Bones with his re-grown horns.

"Damn it Jim! I'm a Doctor not a pincushion! Watch where you put those things!"

"It's not verking!" Chekov exclaimed disappointed

Jim tried to breathe through the pain, making whooshing noises with his mouth.

"Straighten up, it's not that bad. And stop that, you're not in labor!" Bones grumbled.

Bones was standing close to Jim again, and when he spoke, his breath ghosted over Jim's neck causing him to shiver. Bones reached up to feel Jim's horns, curling his fingers around the base of one. Jim moaned and Bones' eyes flicked down to stare at the captain's lips. They had just started to lean into each other when Sulu muttered.

"It's like watching my parents make out."

Bones leaped backwards again. He kept doing that! What did his tail come with ballet powers too? Jim wondered.

Everyone else leaped backwards as well, afraid of the spikes.

This time Jim growled and glared at Sulu.

Bones flushed and cleared his throat. "Well without any new ideas I don't have anything to work with. Maybe we should all take a break and regroup with new ideas in an hour."

"A logical suggestion doctor."

"In the mean time remember to compensate for the changes in your condition. Until we figure this out it seems to me we're limited in our options. Spock can't interact with any of the consoles. I doubt Scotty can eat anything, Sabertooth tiger teeth aren't exactly made for sandwiches."

A look of horror crossed Scotty's face. "Nooooooooo!"

Huh. So that noise he can make. Jim thought.

Pavel hurried over to Scotty and patted him on the arm. "Do not vorry! I vill feed you."

Scotty sniffed and then grinned, all of his teeth showing.

Pavel's knees gave out.

Bones ignored them. "And as for you Jim, that means no sex."

A look of horror crossed the captain's face. "Noooooooo!" This time Jim's knees gave out.

"oooooooo!" He was still going.

Spock raised his eyebrow.

"oooooooo!"

Uhura molted a bit.

"oooooooo!"

Bones was tapping his foot. Sulu started edging towards the door. Just as it was about to swish open, so he could dash around the corner, Jim leapt up.

"I've got it!" He exclaimed

"The crazy?" Bones asked

"We have to beam back down to the planet!" He said

"I fail to see what purpose this would serve captain." Spock said straightening, his claws clenching and unclenching.

Jim gulped, eyes on the pointy menace. "Don't you see? It's all their fault!"

"An illogical conclusion. What is your argument for such an accusation?" Spock said, ever stubborn in the face of Jim's genius.

"It all started after we came back from their feast!" Jim insisted trying not to stomp his foot.

Everyone's eyes were following them like a tennis match.

"So you are arguing that it is 'something we ate'?"

"I'm arguing that it seems pretty suspicious yeah! I say we head down there and ask them a few pointed questions."

"I agree with the captain!" Jumped in Sulu.

"On what grounds do you agree with the captain?"

A look of 'oh shit I didn't think that far' crossed Sulu's face. "On the, uh, grounds of….oh look a tribble!" Sulu said pointing in a dark corner.

Everyone screamed and ran out of the room heading for the transporters.

Once they'd all beamed down to the surface, they relaxed, having set up 'tribble cleansing procedures' to run while they were gone. They were still shivering at the memories. The horrifying memories.

They were met within moments by the leader of the Plethorans and his aides.

"Captain Kirk! It is wonderful to see you again so soon. To what do we owe this pleasure?" He said

The party from the Enterprise looked at each other disbelievingly.

Spock spoke first "Are you not curious about our altered appearances?"

The Plethorans squinted at them confused. "Perhaps we should have warned you of the change. Are you not pleased?"

"You mean you knew this might happen?" Kirk shrieked

"It occurs with a successful blessing. Our people consider it a great honor."

Before Jim could continue his ranting, Spock stepped up to him and squeezed his shoulder lightly. Ever diplomatic he responded, "We are fortunate to have been given this opportunity it seems. However, as Starfleet officers our duties require us to meet certain physical conditions, which these changes prohibit. Is there not some way to return to our natural states?"

As he spoke to the Plethorans, Spock had begun rubbing his clawed hand up and down Jim's back in a sort of backrub. It was amazing! Jim couldn't help but lean into the contact like a cat, and purr, forgetting his worries. This only caused Spock to press closer.

Bones growled at the contact and marched over and ripped Jim away, while keeping him from toppling over at the change in position. He then pulled Jim close and wrapped his arm around his waist muttering "Pay attention Jim. You're a Captain, not a feline."

The Plethorans did have a way to reverse the changes, and they weren't even mad that they asked, which was new. Kirk wasn't quite sure what to do when faced with **not**running from the natives. They followed them to a special cave-like room with an altar in the middle.

"So you're saying to return to normal all we have to do is walk backwards around an altar?" Jim looked at the others and then shrugged. "I'm game. Let's do this!" He started walking towards it.

"I'm sorry Captain. I believe I was not clear. To reverse the changes the affected must be carried backwards around the Altar of Altered States." The leader explained

Pavel practically leapt into Scotty's arms.

Sulu spoke up from behind Kirk. "Wait. How will walking backward, I'm sorry, being carried backward around an altar fix us? The changes resulted from that elevated compound! This solution doesn't make any sense."

Jim turned around and slapped Sulu on the arm. "What did we tell you about pointing out the plot holes!" Smack! Smack! Smack!

Chekov buried his face in Scotty's neck with a whimper.

"Ow! OW! Stop! I'm sorry! It's a perfectly logical plan!"

Spock nodded and they all went back to ignoring Sulu.

Spock was the most logical choice to carry the others, with his superior Vulcan strength.

However, when Spock attempted to carry the captain first, Bones slapped his claws away. "Back off stumpy!" He growled

When Spock attempted to carry Sulu next, he found he couldn't do much with those tiny arms, which meant someone would have to cling to Spock like a monkey if he carried them. Or someone would have to carry Spock first.

Not Jim, he was unbalanced with the horns as it was, besides Bones seemed determined to not let Spock touch Jim. Uhura would probably tear her wings if she tried. Incidentally, would flying around the altar count, Jim mused. How would one fly backwards?

As Jim stood pondering the best way to carry each other and reverse the effects, the others were actually moving.

Scotty, still holding Pavel completed his backwards turn. And Sulu opting for the monkey cling on Spock, was next. Soon after the circle was completed, the changes took effect. Their physical appearance seemed to melt back to normal.

Bones scooped up Jim. "Hey! What are you...?"

"Stop thinking Jim, and shut up." Was his only response.

Within moments, Jim was back to normal. Which was weird because it _tingled_, and tickled, and itched and, Oh! it was done.

Jim was clinging to Bones, who had his hands on Jim's hips. They were breathing each other's air. Everyone else was back to normal now and staring at the captain and his CMO.

"It's customary to return the favor Jim." Bones grumbled

Jim beamed "Aw Bones! You want me to carry you around the altar?"

Bones just gave him a look. "Now would be good."

Oh crap. Jim looked embarrassed. "Uh Bones, I don't think I can. I mean what with the tail and all."

"Well I'm not letting Stumpy carry me!"

"Oh um, alright." Jim scooped Bones up in a fireman's carry.

It was just as hard as Jim had imagined. Bones was a LOT heavier with the tail, and it forced Jim to shuffle his feet backwards in a slow procession around the altar. Bones wasn't helping since he was agitated, and his tail kept twitching, simultaneously throwing Jim off balance and trying to slap him in the face.

He knew when he'd completed the circuit because Bones suddenly got a lot lighter. The second Bones was back to normal Jim felt the familiar pull of the ship's transporters. It was probably rude of them to leave this way, but then so was turning your guests into dinosaurs without their knowledge, so Jim couldn't bring himself to feel guilty.

Once they'd all reappeared in the transporter room, Jim set Bones down.

"Well that was fun! Mr. Spock you have the bridge." Jim said, his eyes never leaving Bones.

"Damn it Jim! We all need to have physicals in sickbay to make sure everything is back to normal!"

"I know doctor. I'm volunteering first. But I insist on a private physical." Jim leered

At this the doctor flushed. "Oh right. Well what are you all waiting around for? I'll let you know when I can see you for your check ups. Wait, where are Scotty and Chekov?"

Spock raised an eyebrow and hesitated before putting his hands behind his back.

"Graw!" said Uhura, whose eyes widened, and she cleared her throat. "I mean, I heard them say they would be checking out something in engineering as they ran out."

"Fascinating." Said Spock

"Doctor," Jim whined, pulling on Bones' sleeve and panting into his ear. "I'm feeling flushed."

Bones gulped, and grabbing Jim by the wrist, proceeded to drag him out towards sickbay.

Watching them go, the others decided to head for the bridge.

"I hope the system got all the tribbles." Uhura muttered

"Indeed."

Sulu just looked guilty.

THE END

Summary of dinosaur parts:

Uhura- pterodactyl the wings and the head!  
>Bones-stegosaurus-the spiked tail!<br>Chekov- ankylosaurus -the plating!  
>Sulu- pachycephalosaurus, the head and the feet!<br>Spock-T-rex, the arms!  
>Scotty-sabertooth tiger! Accent is impossible with those teeth!<br>Kirk-triceratops-the head and the tail!

Let me know what you think! Did you have any particular favorite moments?

Thanks for reading.


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